P'Tang Yang Kipperbang

P'Tang Yang Kipperbang brief plot:

Alan Duckworth (known as 'Quack Quack' to his friends) is a socially awkward fourteen year-old who is obsessed with cricket and Ann Lawton, a girl in his class. Alan daydreams throughout his day showing up late for school and making little academic progress. He becomes friends with the groundsman Tommy who he sees as some sort of 'war hero'. Alan often follows Tommy around telling him how Tommy helped to win the war while making predictions about what the world will be like now the war is won. Among other things, Alan predicts there will be no more wars, everyone will speak Esperanto and everyone, regardless of race or creed, will have a Teasmade.

Miss Land, meanwhile, is worried she is pregnant with Tommy's baby, something that would result in her having to resign from her job as an English teacher. Tommy however is arrested and it transpires he deserted the war three weeks into his service, rather than fighting at Dunkirk, El Alamein, the Battle of the Bulge and Burma as he claimed.


While his friends are all interested in sex, which Alan refers to as 'the other thing', he is purely focused on kissing Ann Lawton. Ann, however, is not well regarded by Alan's friends as she is very straight-laced. When Miss Land casts them together in the school play, Alan and Ann have to kiss.

Characters:

Alan Duckworth                                                       Ann Lawton
Tommy                                                                    Miss Land
Geoffrey Whitaker                                                   Shaz
Abbo                                                                      Headmaster
Eunice      

A brief description of Alan Duckworth:      

  ALAN DUCKWORTH is 14 and a pupil at a co-educational school. He has all the usual adolescent worries about growing-up, and at present his life is a mixture of cricket and appearing in the school play, opposite the girl he loves, the unattainable and lovely Ann. In this scene, which takes place outside Ann's house, she has been friendlier than before, and this gives ALAN courage.                                            

The monologue:

 ALAN: 
You're beautiful, Ann. Sometimes I look at you and you're so beautiful I want to cry. And sometimes you look so beautiful I want to laugh and jump up and down, and run through the streets with no clothes on shouting 'P'tang, yang, kipperbang' in people's letterboxes.  But mostly you're so beautiful - even if it doesn't make ME cry it makes my chest cry. Your lips are the most beautiful. Second is your nape… The back of your neck. It's termed the nape… And your skin. When I walk past your desk, I breathe in on purpose to smell your skin. It's the most beautiful smell there is… It makes me feel dizzy. Giddy. You smell brand-new. You look brand-new. All of you. The little soft hairs on your arms… But mostly it's your lips. I love your lips. That's why I've ALWAYS wanted to kiss you. Ever since 3B. Just kiss. Not the other things. I don't want to do the other things to you.  Well. I DO. ALL the other things. Sometimes I want to do them so much I feel I'm - do you have violin lessons? On the violin.  Well, on a violin there's the E string. That's the highest pitched and it's strung very tight and taut, and makes a kind of high, sweet scream. Well, sometimes I want you so much, that's what I'm like I always wanted to tell you you were lovely. Personally, I always think it's dead weedy when Victor Mature - or whatsisname - Stewart Grainger - or someone says a girl's lovely. But you are.  And I know girls think it's weedy when boys call them sweet. But you are.  I don't suppose I'll ever kiss you now in my whole life. Or take you to the pictures. Or marry you and do the OTHER things to you. But I'll never forget you. And how you made me feel. Even when I'm 51 or something.

My view:

This monologue is quite enjoyable because I find it funny in a way that makes me cringe. Also it is a monologue and character that I believe I could portray quite well, the only problem I have here is the age, my playing range is 15 - 18, whereas Alan is 14 but there is a slight chance I might be able to push it and possibly play this character.